Picking Up Girls Made Easy!

I have to break one of my cardinal rules about blogging: never post something somebody else has. However, this album is so damn funny, it really needs to be heard. I honestly can't remember the blog I first got it from, or I'd give the link. Seems like the number of blogs has exploded lately, so I doubt I could ever find it again.

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But anyway, now that I'm single again, the techniques on this album are helping me to score every night with beautiful women! Yeah right. In the real world, trying to pick up a girl at a women's clothing store would result in anything from being escorted out by security, to getting maced. Also, it's not advisable to tell a girl you just met you're into watersports. Yes, it can be taken several different ways, but you're better off leaving this word out of your first-date vocabulary. However, if, like the girl in "The Single's Bar" track, your date confesses that she "love(s) watersports...especially ones that can be played in a bubble bath", you're in for a far wilder date than you anticipated.

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All the techniques on this album range from silly to downright creepy, and the whole concept was obviously put together to bilk teens & horny losers out of their money (a task handled far more efficiently these days by the penis-enlargement industry). But, it's good for a laugh nonetheless.

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If you want to date a beautiful girl, and you're not lucky enough to have a six-figure income, a 14" dick, or a nice car, just tell her you'll eat her ass. Chicks can't resist getting their asses eaten.

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Remember: You CAN build up a tolerance to Mace & pepper spray. It's, like, a scientific fact.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=9QN6TODS

Gruntruck- Push

Gruntruck's second album. It featured much of the same metal/grunge transitionary material as the first album, but at a more extreme level...

The first track, "Tribe", has an uber-metallic, tight riff, and a chorus that could be right at home on Metallica's "Black" album. Also, "Crazy Love" and "Machine Action" have some of the most out-of-control riffs ever recorded. If only Metallica could've come up with material this brilliant, post-'91!

As far as I know, this was Gruntruck's last release. Too bad, as they apparently came up with their grunge/metal hybrid sound independant of anyone else. and have taken it to since-unexplored places. I'd like to have seen what this band was capable of in the future.

I just wanna fly my freak-flag:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=J1LLF2PC

The Royal Trux- Thank You

An album by the post-experimental/grunge band, The Royal Trux. I know next to nothing about this band, so here's the Wikipedia write-up:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Trux

That should interest a few of you, anyway. Really, from what I've heard of this album, it's very good, but I ripped it at the same time as about twenty other albums, and I've just never gotten around to giving it a good listen. My loss, right?

Granny Grunt:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=FV1VL645

Gruntruck- Inside Yours

Remember 1991? We were all exhausted from doing the Unskinny Bop, Axl Rose was getting downright weird, and a little band called Nirvana was destroying the music scene from the top down.

Few survived this holocaust. Bands like Skid Row, Overkill, and Winger tried to assimilate, releasing albums full of grunged-up riffs and "angsty" vocals. But, it was all in vain: these gen-X kids had somehow acquired top-notch bullshit detectors, and each and every one of these bands was soon downgraded to club tours in Kansas, and arena shows opening for Hasselhoff in Brazil.

Somehow, though, a few bands survived the transition. Most famously, The Stone Temple Pilots made a pre-signing metamorphosis from cock-rock to grunge, and Gruntruck also managed to offer up a few legacy-securing albums in this period.

Gruntruck's debut album came in 1991, on the uber-metal label, RoadRacer. The metallic elements are obvious, with the extended guitar solos and tightly-controlled riffs. However, the wailing vocals and big, cruddy guitar sound put one foot firmly in the grunge camp.

While the few remaining grunge fanatics who aren't too busy monitoring their 401k's may not remember such grunge/metal bands as Gruntruck, The Almighty, or Prong, it is well worth reviewing those formative years of 1990-1993. It is only by learning our history that we may not be doomed to repeat it.

Boy, I still fucking hate hate Pearl Jam...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=S87BEI96

Re-re-post: The Pandoras- Rock Hard

Wow, I had no idea when I paid a quarter for this EP at the thrift store that it would be such a (relative) hit! After more requests, here it is for a third time, The Pandoras' great Rock Hard album:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=HAKP86LI

The Golden Palominos- Blast of Silence

The first album from The Golden Palominos. In addition to the usual lineup of Fier/Skopelitis/Laswell, you also get Matthew Sweet, Jack Bruce, T-Bone Burnett, and my personal favorite, Syd Straw.

This album is about as far away from the apocalyptic spoken-word nightmare of the "Dead Inside" album, or even the trip-hop leanings of "Pure". Rather, this is a total country/folk/blues fest, which may be tough for the fans of the later Lori Carson or Nicole Blackman material to stomach. However, the songwriting was still outstanding back then, not to mention the musicianship. Plus, Syd Straw has numerous tracks that highlight her powerhouse vocals. Check out "Angels" and "Diamond". The latter, in particular, is Straw at her best.

Although its 192kbps, it's still a cassette rip, so a few of you uppity audiophiles out there might find the sound objectionable. In spite of this, I'd like to thank my officemate Tim for letting me borrow his classic, ca. 1988 Sony boombox to rip these cassettes. They don't make 'em like THAT any more....

A girl's best friend is a diamond, a man's best friend is a dog:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=E5X25U8S

The Cocteau Twins- The Pink Opaque

What's this??? A band that more than three people have heard of, on MY blog? Yes, I'm straying a bit from my usual concentration on the esoteric to post a recently-found cassette by my favorite band, The Cocteau Twins. This is a compilation of remixes and rare tracks, and is actually somewhat rare (one collector on Amazon is selling a copy for $100). While most of the tracks can be found on the numerous other 'Twins collections, it appears that the song "Millimillenary" is ONLY available on this album! So far, it's my favorite track on the album, and it was taken from an compilation that accompanied an issue of New Music Express magazine back in the early '80s. Of course, everything else on the album is jaw-droppingly beautiful as well, mostly comprised of classic material that was halfway between their older discordant stuff and the more-produced material of later years. There are some familiar songs here, as well: "Pearly Dewdrops Drops", "Wax and Wane", "Aikea-Guinea".

One note on my rip of this cassette: the track "Lorelei" was badly damaged, and wasn't worth ripping. Instead, I added the same track from the CD "Stars and Topsoil", so you may notice some difference in sound with this track.

Again, it's a cassette rip, so please don't bitch about the sound quality. Personally, I think it sounds fine, but if you don't like it, there's a dude on Amazon who'll be happy to help you out...

"What the hell? You can't even understand anything she's singing..."

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=TNTQM2JC

Jennifer Lane/Timothy Burris- Lagrime Mie

Back into my usual maelstrom of psycho music, here's a beautiful set of Italian songs from The Renaissance/early Baroque era, performed by the amazing mezzo-soprano Jennifer Lane, and theorbist Timothy Burris.

The entire album is live recordings featuring nothing more than mezzo-soprano & theorbo, giving the album a very intimate feel. For those expecting the bouncy, nasally jigs that comprise most early music, this album will be a pleasant surprise. The songs are played in a very unrestrained rhythm, with raw, uncharacteristic emotion in the vocals. Really, most of the songs on this album are a drum machine away from being the featured track on the next Buddha Bar comp!

While Burris' contributions and restrained musicianship are stellar on this album, Lane really steals the show. An accomplished mezzo-soprano who's tackled everything from Strozzi to Schoenberg, her vocal range lends the natural emotional content for this sort of material-- while a soprano would've been far too strident and austere for material of such bare, emotional drama, her voice suits it beautifully.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=VAQ2LZ5M

Psyclone Rangers- The Devil May Care

After a few out-there excursions, I'm getting back to the basics with the 1995 album by The Psyclone Rangers. Unfortunately, there's not much info available about these guys. On the one hand, they had the frenetic cerebral leanings of college music, but on the other hand, the plodding, noise-ridden track "Nazi Mother" may as well be a tribute to Soundgarden. Sorry, but I can't provide any of my usual trivia about this particular band; they, like The Almighty, Gruntruck, and The Royal Trux, seem to be a forgotten remnant of an era in which any college/alt/grunge band was virtually guaranteed a record contract.

Why The Hell Did I Die?

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=7PHJKJ15

Don't Bend Over to Pick Up The Soap, Puta!!!

Too sweet. While she'll doubtlessly be in some sort of "protective custody" that will keep her from being the furburglar of some 300lb. shank-wielding dyke, I still couldn't be happier that she was unsuccesful in buying her way out of the sentence, or getting a pardon from Governor Schwarzeneggar.

But, the question: will this be turned into some Lifetime-type made-for-TV movie highlighting her "courage" and character? Or perhaps she'll finagle some manner of reality TV series out of the experience, a la "The Simple Life" (after all, how hard would it be to get Lindsay Lohan to join her behind bars for a few months...she's probably only one unpaid parking away, after all)?

Ideally, her ordeal will be turned into a hard R-rated, Jess Franco/Jack Hill-type "Women in Prison" movie, starring Paris Hilton as herself. Get that "Hostel" guy to direct, sign on Julie Strain (as The Warden), Darian Caine, and Jenny McCarthy, and we're talking boffo box-office smash!!!

Makeover

So, what do you think of the new look? Personally, I think the sickly green color brings to mind the diseased expectorate of tuberculars & lepers...perfect for my blog!

Also, please note the extended list of links on the side. While the whole point of my blog is to post crap that NOBODY is looking for (but that a few people may download & appreciate nonetheless), these blogs have served me well throughout the past year, and have opened up numerous new avenues of music appreciation. Pay them a visit!

I also just found a little store with a HUGE used tape rack (I'm talking thousands of cassettes). I'm bringing in the remainder of my old CDs in to sell for store credit next weekend, and will be taking home anywhere from 6-12 of the strangest cassettes I can find. While summer may be a time for reruns everywhere else, it's gonna be all-new episodes on clandestine666! Make sure & tune in...

Manfred Hubler & Siegfried Schwab- Sexadelic Dance Party!

Today's post is the compilation of lounge-a-delic soundtracks by classic Eurotrash composers, Hubler & Schwab. Under the name "Vampire Sound, Inc." these two krauts composed remarkably funky soundtracks for the films of horror auteur, Jess Franco.

According to the liner notes, the binding thread of this compilation is the fact that all the films featured piece-of-ass extraordinaire Soledad Miranda in starring roles. Even so, it comes off less as a tribute to Miranda than it does to the directorial antics of Franco.

Having actually seen quite a few Franco movies, I can honestly say that Vampyros Lesbos really does live up to much of the critical praise heaped upon it, although my personal favorite in his library is Female Vampire. Concurrently, Soledad Miranda was indeed a scorching piece of ass (although, again, I prefer the curvy, pert, teenaged Lina Romay of Female Vampire).

If I've piqued anyone's interest in the movies of Jess Franco, I apologize. For the most part, they are absolutely awful, but once you start watching them, you can't help but rent more of them. My love of Franco's movies is the closest I've ever come to being the victim of an abusive relationship: he constantly takes my money and leaves me battered & confused, yet I can't resist coming back for more...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=OAZ1CVUV