Picking Up Girls Made Easy!

I have to break one of my cardinal rules about blogging: never post something somebody else has. However, this album is so damn funny, it really needs to be heard. I honestly can't remember the blog I first got it from, or I'd give the link. Seems like the number of blogs has exploded lately, so I doubt I could ever find it again.

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But anyway, now that I'm single again, the techniques on this album are helping me to score every night with beautiful women! Yeah right. In the real world, trying to pick up a girl at a women's clothing store would result in anything from being escorted out by security, to getting maced. Also, it's not advisable to tell a girl you just met you're into watersports. Yes, it can be taken several different ways, but you're better off leaving this word out of your first-date vocabulary. However, if, like the girl in "The Single's Bar" track, your date confesses that she "love(s) watersports...especially ones that can be played in a bubble bath", you're in for a far wilder date than you anticipated.

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All the techniques on this album range from silly to downright creepy, and the whole concept was obviously put together to bilk teens & horny losers out of their money (a task handled far more efficiently these days by the penis-enlargement industry). But, it's good for a laugh nonetheless.

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If you want to date a beautiful girl, and you're not lucky enough to have a six-figure income, a 14" dick, or a nice car, just tell her you'll eat her ass. Chicks can't resist getting their asses eaten.

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Remember: You CAN build up a tolerance to Mace & pepper spray. It's, like, a scientific fact.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=9QN6TODS

Gruntruck- Push

Gruntruck's second album. It featured much of the same metal/grunge transitionary material as the first album, but at a more extreme level...

The first track, "Tribe", has an uber-metallic, tight riff, and a chorus that could be right at home on Metallica's "Black" album. Also, "Crazy Love" and "Machine Action" have some of the most out-of-control riffs ever recorded. If only Metallica could've come up with material this brilliant, post-'91!

As far as I know, this was Gruntruck's last release. Too bad, as they apparently came up with their grunge/metal hybrid sound independant of anyone else. and have taken it to since-unexplored places. I'd like to have seen what this band was capable of in the future.

I just wanna fly my freak-flag:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=J1LLF2PC

The Royal Trux- Thank You

An album by the post-experimental/grunge band, The Royal Trux. I know next to nothing about this band, so here's the Wikipedia write-up:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Trux

That should interest a few of you, anyway. Really, from what I've heard of this album, it's very good, but I ripped it at the same time as about twenty other albums, and I've just never gotten around to giving it a good listen. My loss, right?

Granny Grunt:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=FV1VL645

Gruntruck- Inside Yours

Remember 1991? We were all exhausted from doing the Unskinny Bop, Axl Rose was getting downright weird, and a little band called Nirvana was destroying the music scene from the top down.

Few survived this holocaust. Bands like Skid Row, Overkill, and Winger tried to assimilate, releasing albums full of grunged-up riffs and "angsty" vocals. But, it was all in vain: these gen-X kids had somehow acquired top-notch bullshit detectors, and each and every one of these bands was soon downgraded to club tours in Kansas, and arena shows opening for Hasselhoff in Brazil.

Somehow, though, a few bands survived the transition. Most famously, The Stone Temple Pilots made a pre-signing metamorphosis from cock-rock to grunge, and Gruntruck also managed to offer up a few legacy-securing albums in this period.

Gruntruck's debut album came in 1991, on the uber-metal label, RoadRacer. The metallic elements are obvious, with the extended guitar solos and tightly-controlled riffs. However, the wailing vocals and big, cruddy guitar sound put one foot firmly in the grunge camp.

While the few remaining grunge fanatics who aren't too busy monitoring their 401k's may not remember such grunge/metal bands as Gruntruck, The Almighty, or Prong, it is well worth reviewing those formative years of 1990-1993. It is only by learning our history that we may not be doomed to repeat it.

Boy, I still fucking hate hate Pearl Jam...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=S87BEI96

Re-re-post: The Pandoras- Rock Hard

Wow, I had no idea when I paid a quarter for this EP at the thrift store that it would be such a (relative) hit! After more requests, here it is for a third time, The Pandoras' great Rock Hard album:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=HAKP86LI

The Golden Palominos- Blast of Silence

The first album from The Golden Palominos. In addition to the usual lineup of Fier/Skopelitis/Laswell, you also get Matthew Sweet, Jack Bruce, T-Bone Burnett, and my personal favorite, Syd Straw.

This album is about as far away from the apocalyptic spoken-word nightmare of the "Dead Inside" album, or even the trip-hop leanings of "Pure". Rather, this is a total country/folk/blues fest, which may be tough for the fans of the later Lori Carson or Nicole Blackman material to stomach. However, the songwriting was still outstanding back then, not to mention the musicianship. Plus, Syd Straw has numerous tracks that highlight her powerhouse vocals. Check out "Angels" and "Diamond". The latter, in particular, is Straw at her best.

Although its 192kbps, it's still a cassette rip, so a few of you uppity audiophiles out there might find the sound objectionable. In spite of this, I'd like to thank my officemate Tim for letting me borrow his classic, ca. 1988 Sony boombox to rip these cassettes. They don't make 'em like THAT any more....

A girl's best friend is a diamond, a man's best friend is a dog:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=E5X25U8S

The Cocteau Twins- The Pink Opaque

What's this??? A band that more than three people have heard of, on MY blog? Yes, I'm straying a bit from my usual concentration on the esoteric to post a recently-found cassette by my favorite band, The Cocteau Twins. This is a compilation of remixes and rare tracks, and is actually somewhat rare (one collector on Amazon is selling a copy for $100). While most of the tracks can be found on the numerous other 'Twins collections, it appears that the song "Millimillenary" is ONLY available on this album! So far, it's my favorite track on the album, and it was taken from an compilation that accompanied an issue of New Music Express magazine back in the early '80s. Of course, everything else on the album is jaw-droppingly beautiful as well, mostly comprised of classic material that was halfway between their older discordant stuff and the more-produced material of later years. There are some familiar songs here, as well: "Pearly Dewdrops Drops", "Wax and Wane", "Aikea-Guinea".

One note on my rip of this cassette: the track "Lorelei" was badly damaged, and wasn't worth ripping. Instead, I added the same track from the CD "Stars and Topsoil", so you may notice some difference in sound with this track.

Again, it's a cassette rip, so please don't bitch about the sound quality. Personally, I think it sounds fine, but if you don't like it, there's a dude on Amazon who'll be happy to help you out...

"What the hell? You can't even understand anything she's singing..."

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=TNTQM2JC

Jennifer Lane/Timothy Burris- Lagrime Mie

Back into my usual maelstrom of psycho music, here's a beautiful set of Italian songs from The Renaissance/early Baroque era, performed by the amazing mezzo-soprano Jennifer Lane, and theorbist Timothy Burris.

The entire album is live recordings featuring nothing more than mezzo-soprano & theorbo, giving the album a very intimate feel. For those expecting the bouncy, nasally jigs that comprise most early music, this album will be a pleasant surprise. The songs are played in a very unrestrained rhythm, with raw, uncharacteristic emotion in the vocals. Really, most of the songs on this album are a drum machine away from being the featured track on the next Buddha Bar comp!

While Burris' contributions and restrained musicianship are stellar on this album, Lane really steals the show. An accomplished mezzo-soprano who's tackled everything from Strozzi to Schoenberg, her vocal range lends the natural emotional content for this sort of material-- while a soprano would've been far too strident and austere for material of such bare, emotional drama, her voice suits it beautifully.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=VAQ2LZ5M

Psyclone Rangers- The Devil May Care

After a few out-there excursions, I'm getting back to the basics with the 1995 album by The Psyclone Rangers. Unfortunately, there's not much info available about these guys. On the one hand, they had the frenetic cerebral leanings of college music, but on the other hand, the plodding, noise-ridden track "Nazi Mother" may as well be a tribute to Soundgarden. Sorry, but I can't provide any of my usual trivia about this particular band; they, like The Almighty, Gruntruck, and The Royal Trux, seem to be a forgotten remnant of an era in which any college/alt/grunge band was virtually guaranteed a record contract.

Why The Hell Did I Die?

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=7PHJKJ15

Don't Bend Over to Pick Up The Soap, Puta!!!

Too sweet. While she'll doubtlessly be in some sort of "protective custody" that will keep her from being the furburglar of some 300lb. shank-wielding dyke, I still couldn't be happier that she was unsuccesful in buying her way out of the sentence, or getting a pardon from Governor Schwarzeneggar.

But, the question: will this be turned into some Lifetime-type made-for-TV movie highlighting her "courage" and character? Or perhaps she'll finagle some manner of reality TV series out of the experience, a la "The Simple Life" (after all, how hard would it be to get Lindsay Lohan to join her behind bars for a few months...she's probably only one unpaid parking away, after all)?

Ideally, her ordeal will be turned into a hard R-rated, Jess Franco/Jack Hill-type "Women in Prison" movie, starring Paris Hilton as herself. Get that "Hostel" guy to direct, sign on Julie Strain (as The Warden), Darian Caine, and Jenny McCarthy, and we're talking boffo box-office smash!!!

Makeover

So, what do you think of the new look? Personally, I think the sickly green color brings to mind the diseased expectorate of tuberculars & lepers...perfect for my blog!

Also, please note the extended list of links on the side. While the whole point of my blog is to post crap that NOBODY is looking for (but that a few people may download & appreciate nonetheless), these blogs have served me well throughout the past year, and have opened up numerous new avenues of music appreciation. Pay them a visit!

I also just found a little store with a HUGE used tape rack (I'm talking thousands of cassettes). I'm bringing in the remainder of my old CDs in to sell for store credit next weekend, and will be taking home anywhere from 6-12 of the strangest cassettes I can find. While summer may be a time for reruns everywhere else, it's gonna be all-new episodes on clandestine666! Make sure & tune in...

Manfred Hubler & Siegfried Schwab- Sexadelic Dance Party!

Today's post is the compilation of lounge-a-delic soundtracks by classic Eurotrash composers, Hubler & Schwab. Under the name "Vampire Sound, Inc." these two krauts composed remarkably funky soundtracks for the films of horror auteur, Jess Franco.

According to the liner notes, the binding thread of this compilation is the fact that all the films featured piece-of-ass extraordinaire Soledad Miranda in starring roles. Even so, it comes off less as a tribute to Miranda than it does to the directorial antics of Franco.

Having actually seen quite a few Franco movies, I can honestly say that Vampyros Lesbos really does live up to much of the critical praise heaped upon it, although my personal favorite in his library is Female Vampire. Concurrently, Soledad Miranda was indeed a scorching piece of ass (although, again, I prefer the curvy, pert, teenaged Lina Romay of Female Vampire).

If I've piqued anyone's interest in the movies of Jess Franco, I apologize. For the most part, they are absolutely awful, but once you start watching them, you can't help but rent more of them. My love of Franco's movies is the closest I've ever come to being the victim of an abusive relationship: he constantly takes my money and leaves me battered & confused, yet I can't resist coming back for more...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=OAZ1CVUV

Carlos Di Sarli- King of The Tango

Today's post is a compilation of Tangos from one of the original masters, Carlos Di Sarli.

Di Sarli is widely recognized as an extremely accessible tango artist, presenting all of the basic elements (persistant rhythm, sensual melodies, driving beat) in short, mid-tempo compositions suitable for the beginner milonguero.

While I find most of that "Dancing with The Stars" ballroom shit to be overblown melodrama, I am ceaselessly amazed by a well-executed, classic Argentine tango...the stiff, robotic upper bodies counterplayed by the mind-blowing, interlacing acrobatics of the legs & hips. When the double-time of the milonga is introduced, it looks almost superhuman. If you want to see the Tango in all of its glory, I recommend you rent Robert Duvall's great movie, "Assassination Tango". While it suffers from Duvall's girlfriend's attempts at acting, she can indeed dance up a storm. She peppers a fairly pedestrian story with numerous spicy dance numbers, and Duvall, in an almost fatherly attempt at charity, turns in a fantastic performance as an aged assassin inadvertantly propelled into a midlife crisis.

What is this? I've danced all my life, and I've never seen anything like this...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=X1ZBVI4B

No Worries

For a while there, I was starting to wonder if I had enough crazy rare shit to keep this blog going for much longer. After taking an inventory of my iTunes library (not to mention the 20+ DVD-Rs of catalogued music lying around my apartment), I can safely say that clandestine666 will be able to continue to supply your psycho/rare/OOP/random music needs for at least six more months. Huzzah! Expect a few new posts this week.

Pungent Stench- Been Caught Buttering

Today’s post is the cassette rip of one of the greatest grindcore bands ever, Pungent Stench.

With a limited understanding of English and a sense of humor that transcends linguistic barriers, Austria’s Pungent Stench pushed the limits of the already-obscene death metal vernacular. With early song titles like “Blood, Pus, and Gastric Juices” and “For God Your Soul, For Me Your Flesh”, these guys made it apparent that they were eagerly abandoning any chance of being taken seriously as artists.

Frankly, this is a refreshing attitude that is all-too-rare in Rock & Roll; one can find a similar approach in the early work of Chuck Schuldiner and his band Death, back when they were a great post-Black Metal death metal band. However, after the “Leprosy” album, I think most death metal aficionados would agree that Death had passed their prime.

This is Pungent Stench’s second album, and arguably their best. The cover “art” is the most blasphemous, obscene, horrendous shit upon which I’ve ever had the misfortune to have laid eyes, and fits perfectly with the diseased, pus-caked music within. If you can understand the lyrics at all (and trust me, the printed lyrics on the inlay card won’t help, as they are printed in an unintelligible, Beavis-esque scrawl) you will be instantly revolted. Bottom line: you would have to be insane to want to hear this abrasive, disgusting, offensive shit.

But all that aside, Pungent Stench were furious riff-mongers, churning out dozens of fantastic Sabbath-y riffs on this album. And the songs, by grindcore standards, are stellar, often containing furious hooks that you might find yourself humming hours later. The lyrics are fucking hilarious, exploring such themes as cannibalism, S&M, mother murder, and mummification with an infectious innocence that only inexperienced ESL-speakers could unearth in the tired, overused English language.

Her asshole was a fouling pit, what a hit!:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6Z143XIW

Pinetop Perkins- Live Top

A live recording from one of the true living legends of the blues, Pinetop Perkins. This was recorded in 1994 at Bowdoin College in Maine. Pinetop, now 90-something years old, continues to tour, play concerts, and accumulate numerous DUI charges. Rumour has it that he now has to wear a global satellite tracking device on his ankle to prevent him from getting behind the wheel, and his last drunk-driving excursion ended in a collision with a train (!!!). Of course, he's likely swerving his way home as I type, bottle of Early Times in one hand, a 13-year old prostitute in the other. Hey, he wouldn't be a legend if he were repentant, would he?

As a bonus, you also get one of Maine's best blues bands backing up Perkins, The Blue Flames. If you ever find yourself in Central/Southern Maine, try to catch a show from these guys. One of the best blues bands you can find, and all real swell guys.

Another cassette rip, so the sound quality is not the greatest. However, this album is loooong out-of-print, so Perkins fans shouldn't mind a little tape-hiss.

Caledonia, what makes your big head so hard?

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=JC9AHJQT

kidneythieves- trickster

The long-lost debut album from industrial/electronica icons, the kidneythieves. I predict that post-Garbage electronica will be in great demand among the hipsters of the near future, so stock up on albums by Sneaker Pimps, Snake River Conspiracy, and Skindive, y'all. And while you're at it, buy deathgirl.com's album, ya wankers. It's available on iTunes, or from www.cdbaby.com.

The kidneythieves seemingly came out of nowhere, inciting little to no buzz with their debut, "Trickster". However, their next release, "zer0space" would make quite an impact on the industrial/goth crowd that NIN and Garbage had already primed. The vocals of Free Dominguez, confident and all-purpose, make the kidneythieves' music amazingly versatile. One could only hope that Dominguez agrees to provide the vocal tracks on the upcoming Snake Rver Conspiracy album (only, of course, if Toby Torres remains unavailable).

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=EH3WCEEQ

Y Kant Tori Read

As a staunch heterosexual, "swingin' bachelor", it's especially tough to rationalize my adoration of Tori Amos. For some reason, owning an album from Tori Amos is much harder to justify to your friends than owning one from PJ Harvey or Joan Jett.

This album helps a great deal, though. Underneath all of her cryptic, feminist doublespeak, I always suspected Tori was a bit of a tart. It's not so much seeing her in all of her big-haired, boustiared-glory in the cover photo as it is hearing the cheesy 80's synth pop that points to a secret avenue of accessibility with the otherwise enigmatic Ms. Amos. Yes, if you have tattoos, long hair, and a penchant for wearing vinyl pants, you too could be just the sort of "enlightened male life-partner" that Tori (and every other subscriber of "Ms." magazine) is looking for!

Seriously, though, this album fills in an important piece of the puzzle that is Tori Amos. While many songwriters are struggling to figure out how to write a hit a song early in their careers, this album shows that Tori had an almost instinctive feel for it. As anyone who owns "Under The Pink" or "Choirgirl Hotel" knows, it wasn't long before Tori left traditional songwriting in the dust, and started writing insane pieces of pretty noise like "God" or "Raspberry Swirl".

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KB2S316M

Arnold Schoenberg- Pierrot Lunaire

Along the lines of my Mussorgsky post a few months back, here is one of the most unsettling, frightening recordings I've ever heard: Expressionist Arnold Schoenberg's musical travelogue of the hallucinations of an insane clown!!!!

Yes, the "lyrics" (sung in "sprechstimme" style-- a half-sung, half-spoken hybrid far scarier than anything Dr. Moreau could conceive) are all about a sinister clown's journey through various nightmarescapes. I find it very Lovecraftian, and the finest example of Schoenberg's "ugly" works (while Schoenberg's post-Wagnerian period repertoire is peerless, Serialism has yet to "do it" for me).

Once you hear it, you'll recognize its influence in countless horror movie soundtracks. But, it has thankfully remained hidden from mass recognition. Even though Bjork performed the entire cycle at the 1996 Verbiere Festival (contact me with info about bootlegs, please), it still remains a paradoxical underground work, as appreciated by classically-trained, PhD. Musicologists as it is by the latest crop of web-savvy DJs.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SR39MFUO

Roky Erickson & The Aliens- The Evil One

Roky Erickson...one of rock & roll's craziest stories. He started out as the stellar lead singer of the world's first psychedelic band, The 13th Floor Elevators, emitting screams and yowls that would make both Robert Plant and Ian Gillan run and hide. After being busted for a misdemeanor drug possession, he inexplicably pleaded insanity to the charge and spent the next few years getting his brain further fried by electroshock therapy.

Ever since, he's shown varying levels of lucidity, at times keeping it together long enough for an Elevators reunion album, at other times retreating for years on end into his Texas home, playing a half-dozen stereos and TVs simultaneously in order to drown out the demon voices in his head.

"The Evil One" is Erickson at his most anxious & paranoid, with sci-fi themes spilling over into the philosophical/biblical realms ("Sputnik" and "Creature with the Atom Brain"), and plenty of Satan-praising ("The Wind and More"). What separates Erickson from such devil-worshipping dilettantes as Danzig and Black Sabbath is his hesitant, yet almost defeatist attitude toward Satan's supremacy, as if he's witnessed The Power of Evil firsthand and is coming to grips with the fact that resistance is futile.

It's times like this Lucifer, I see you're infinite:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=1IWQTFSW